Infertility Side Effects

I have a terrible habit of complaining.  Whenever something happens at work or at home, I immediately start to go off on a rant about how things should be, but whenever everything is going all right, I don’t have anything to say.  I don’t want to be that kind of person because that’s exactly the kind of person I never want to be around.

I don’t know when I started to think that it was better to obsess over every little thing that goes wrong in my day instead of seeing the positive.  I rationalized that I was bitter and had a right to complain because my husband was unfaithful or because I couldn’t become a mother like millions of women found it so easy to do.  I felt justified to be upset because my life was not turning out the way I wanted it to.  In that downward spiral of unhappiness, I formed this bad habit.

Then I would feel guilty about not being more positive.  I had this terrible track playing in circles in my head saying that I was not good enough for anyone or anything and the longer I let it play in my life, the harder it became to break.  I’m still struggling with trying to look at the positive side of things.  Even now that I have a husband who finally broke free from pornography and I have the beautiful child that we tried for six years to conceive.  I would really like to break myself out of this pity party that I’ve been hosting these last fifteen years.

I have so many things to be thankful for that if I found out that I only had a week to live, I should be joyous with everything that I have.  This is where I’ve wanted to be for so long that maybe I just don’t believe that it’s actually come true.  I don’t want to take anything for granted.  Life is just too short and I don’t want to live in my past hurts anymore.  Thank you to those of you that have been posting blogs about hope and how you are overcoming different obstacles in your lives because it gives me encouragement.  Here I am starting a blog to give others hope and instead I feel like I’ve gained way more than I’ve been able to give.

To be honest, I think I’m afraid to be happy.  I’m afraid that if I acknowledge how happy I am with how my dreams have finally come true that everything will be taken from me again.  Probably most bad habits are rooted in fear somehow.  I’ve waited for so many years to have my family be where we are right now and for my family to be all living in the same state now.  I’m afraid I will wake up and have to go through all of this again somehow.  Is there a way to break free from where I was, to accepting where I am now?  I’m hoping that I’ll finally accept that these things are real now and that I can feel joy without them being taken away from me.

For those of you who have had a miscarriage before, I think a lot of this is deeply rooted from that experience.  I was six weeks pregnant the first time I had a miscarriage and this was two years after we had been trying.  Then four years after trying I had two more miscarriages.  I remember falling down on my knees and just thanking God over and over again for my little baby and then a few weeks later falling down on my knees in the same spot asking God why he took my baby away from me.  Why even give, just to take it away?  I’m still struggling with those painful memories.  I’m very thankful for my precious daughter, but I truly believe I worry everything will be taken away from me again just like that, in a blink of an eye.  I’ve grown so much in my relationship with God through all of this, but this is where I’m a little stuck right now and can’t seem to get past.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.