Illusion of Control

It’s been awhile since I have written a post.  The holidays consumed so much of my time that it was a relief when January came so I could sit back and relax again.  Recently, I had enough energy to put together a new list of goals for this year in an attempt to try and gain some control back over all of the chaos the holidays brought.  Control is only just an illusion and was one of the most difficult things to try to let go of when I was struggling with not being able to conceive.  I realized that I didn’t have any control over a huge part of my life and I finally stopped trying to control everything.

Before I found myself at that point, I remember that if there was a whisper of a way that would miraculously help me to become pregnant, I’m pretty sure I did it aside from going to witch doctors or standing on my head after sex.  I remember giving up coffee for years, which was probably the hardest thing to do.  I gave up alcohol, I ate way more green types of foods than a normal person should, and I spent a lot of time seeing infertility doctors.  I needed to feel like I was in control of something which I learned, after a very long time, was completely out of my hands.

Then I just gave up.  I wish I could say that I leaned in and trusted in God even more and that’s why I become pregnant finally.  I would love to tell everyone about the miraculous potion I found.  Instead, after six long years of being on a roller coaster, that no one can understand unless they’ve struggled with infertility, I started drinking coffee again, I worked out at the gym harder than usual, I drank again (moderately, I don’t want to sound like I became a drunk), and I just lived my life normally again.  The point I’m getting at, is that there just wasn’t any reason to it.  I had given up trying to be in control of my fertility.  One could speculate that it was when I finally relaxed about everything that I was finally able to get pregnant.  But honestly, only God knows.

If you know someone going through infertility, please do me a favor and don’t tell them that I said they just need to relax!  I remember hating to hear that and it usually had the opposite effect.  Just give them a hug and tell them that you’re there for them.  If you end up getting pregnant and know that your friend is still waiting to have a baby, don’t be ashamed to tell them.  Just make sure not to mention how you weren’t even trying or how easy it was to get pregnant, they may never talk to you again.  I have been on both sides of this matter and I remember that it hurt more not to be asked to someone’s baby shower than to be asked, at least then I had the choice to politely turn it down or not.

Oh control, I wish I had it, but I don’t.  I had the illusion and that made me go bat crazy.  If you are someone whose trying to conceive, the best piece of advice I can give to you this new year is to keep hope alive that maybe this is your year, but don’t get caught up in Pinterest or cookbooks focused on eating to conceive or any of those things that you can end up making a grocery list out of just so you feel like you will finally get pregnant.  If there’s anything I learned from my experience, it’s that I just needed to keep living life as I had been before I started creating a lot of rigid rules that centered around baby making.  I’m sure it made my husband a lot happier too when I finally threw out the list.

The way I see things now, as my daughter just turned 16 months old, is that for some reason God wanted her to be born on a specific day and on a specific year.  I may not know why right now, but I believe there’s a reason she’s 16 months old right now and not six years old.  I don’t care if anyone doesn’t agree with me, but that is how I feel.  I’m good with that.  I’m good with God being in control because honestly, he can see the big picture much better than I can down here, typing away on my computer in my room, in this little apartment that we now live in because we decided to move back to Southern California.  That’s another story for another time of giving up control and trusting God to bring us back to be close to family again.

So for now, I have my calendar planned and goals set for this year because I have to feel a little in control of my days, but I’m treating them more like a rough draft instead of a final copy.  I’m beginning to realize what’s more important in life and I’m slowly getting my priorities in order.  My New Year goal this year is to keep God first in my life so I won’t be inclined to try to control everything that goes on this year, like when I start looking for a new job.  What’s your New Year goal?

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