Restoring a Marriage From Pornography

If you were to ask most people today what their view on pornography is, I wonder what the response might be.  I suppose it would be different among age and gender demographics.  Even though more and more money is going toward the pornography industry, is it because more people are finding it acceptable or just the percentage of people who have always poured money into it, are just pouring more money into it?

I still believe the majority of people are wise enough to see the destructive venom that pornography brings into the home.  I can tell you first hand how destructive pornography has been in my life and my husbands life.  It has been a battle that at times, many times, neither one of us thought could be conquered.  It began long before we became married and like most men believe, the desire for it doesn’t stop once you have found “the one.”  It’s a poison and the effects it has on the brain have been proven to be very similar to that of taking drugs.  The impact it has when someone views it for the first time leaves an imprint and a chasing for that same experience that they will never get, but won’t stop trying to achieve.

For both of us it was a cycle that never seemed like it would end.  For my husband, he would be tempted and end up searching for hours on the Internet, since he had already considered himself as a failure for viewing it in the first place.  Then he would disconnect from me and become emotionless.  Without that connection with me or God, he would go back to view it again, and like a drug, he just couldn’t seem to get enough until he would quit cold turkey all over again.  There never seemed to be end in sight, even though he loved me and he truly wanted to stop.

For me, I blamed myself and thought I wasn’t good enough for him.  I struggled with my looks.  I don’t feel comfortable saying more about that, but I took some extreme measures trying to make myself more attractive.  I doubted his love for me because if he loved me enough, I believed he could stop.  I would grow cold and distant from him when I’d find things on his computer or under the mattress to punish him.  In our distance, he would just go elsewhere which kept us in that never-ending cycle.

For anyone whose ever said pornography doesn’t hurt anyone, they are fools.  Their ignorance is beyond words.  I was in the movie theater with my husband one night a few years ago and there was a husband and his wife and their two kids sitting between them.  I glanced over to see what the husband was watching on his phone before the movie started and he was watching pornography, right there next to his kids.  I hope that father has found a way by now to unleash himself from those chains of bondage so he can step up and be the father and husband his family needs him to be.

If more people realized who was in these pornography films, they might see how foolish they’ve been to believe its harmless as well.  There was a documentary done and most adult actors they found, have been abused sexually as children.  Also, many of them are forced and this is not a choice for them.  Some just don’t know how else to make money because that is all they’ve known.  You don’t normally see a person from a supportive and loving family who has never been abused getting into the pornography business.

My husband and I will be celebrating our sixteenth anniversary this year.  It has not been an easy road.  We didn’t spend our tenth anniversary together because I had filed for divorce and separated from him.  You might be wondering what brought us back together.  Is there hope for marriages that are being destroyed by pornography?  It’s not just men being addicted to it nowadays either.  I’ll tell you what finally broke us out of that cycle.  I left.

When I left, I didn’t give my husband even a glimmer of hope that I was coming back because at that point, I honestly wasn’t.  I had enough and I thought if he hasn’t been able to be faithful to me for ten years, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life this way.  Being separated allowed my husband to realize what was more important to him.  It gave me a chance to focus on my relationship with God and learn to trust in him.  My husband finally decided to reach out for help and joined a church group called Celebrate Recovery.  They had a recovery group for drug, alcohol, and pornography addicts.  It was during those months that my husband made the choice to allow God to help him find the root of his addiction.  It did not come overnight or during a few months.  There were significant changes the first year, but it still took a few years to get to the root of it, which he did.

Does he still get tempted today?  Of course, we are not ignorant to that fact, but he has a fighting chance now to overcome that temptation because he has spent more time away from seeing those images than when he still had them fresh on his mind.  It takes time and he has to diligently ask God to take away those images or temptations when they cross his mind.  Our marriage is still healing.  We didn’t have a foundation of trust and the love we had, had been worn away over those first ten years so it’s been difficult.  Is it worth it?  Yes.  I love him and we have a lot of great memories together.  I can tell you that there is a significant difference when God is apart of our marriage and when we start to push away.  We can’t make it without God, there’s no doubt about that.  I know that as long as we keep God center, we can keep growing together.

I don’t know what your situation is while you have been reading this post.  I can only tell you what my experience has been and hope that it helps.  If you have any questions, feel free to let me know.  I know when my husband and I had been going through all of this, I faced it alone because I didn’t want anyone I knew to know about my husband’s struggle.  Luckily, there’s more information and groups to help these days.  If you or your significant other are dealing with this, just know that neither of you are alone and there is help.  There is always hope.

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3 thoughts on “Restoring a Marriage From Pornography

  1. Cynthia says:

    Yes there is always hope! So much of this sounds like my story, just different details. But like you, the healing began when I acted on my decision that I had finally had enough. I threw myself into God’s arms and my own healing. And then my husband had to make his own choices. He also reached out for help. There were significant changes and healing in both of us in the following months. Other things have taken longer. But God is continuing to not just restore, but build a brand new marriage that is more than I could have imagined. No person or marriage is beyond hope or God’s healing! Thank you for shining your light and truth on how pornography has affected your marriage. Blessings. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your comment. It’s true, both partners have to want that change and turn to God to allow that healing. I’m so glad to hear that your marriage was able to survive and things are going well. I pray that you both continue to grow closer together. Thanks for reading. God bless.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much for being open and honest! This is a topic that is too often pushed under the rug instead of being brought out to the light in order to start the healing process. Prayers for continued growth and joy in your family as you overcome every new thing!

    Liked by 1 person

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