There have been several times when I have doubted God’s word throughout my life. Doubt would creep in and I would start to wonder if the Bible was true and if God really existed, which often times made the situation or circumstance that I was facing seem even more devastating. The “what ifs” took over and I would spiral down into a deep pit of depression. I would stay there for awhile until I thought about the times in my life when I was strongest in my faith versus the times I was the farthest away from it.
In the times when I was closest to God, I felt the most love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control, the fruit of the spirit from Galatians 5:22-23. Even more importantly, there was something more than what I got out of being in close relation to my creator. I was more in tune with wanting to give God glory in praise and in worship. There was such a sense of wholeness that all doubt disappeared.
I needed those reminders of how God had worked in my life to stay strong during the years my marriage struggled through my husband’s pornography addiction and through the years that followed during our struggle through infertility. No matter what I had gone through, I came to realize that it was all right to doubt. It made me stronger in my faith having wrestled through my disbelief to find that God has always been there for me, even in those times of doubting.
During our most recent struggle with infertility, I kept this Bible verse close by and read it more frequently than any other verse in the Bible. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6. During those times when I kept asking why or doubted God’s love for me, this Bible verse would remind me that I may not ever understand why, but I should keep trusting in God and putting him first more than anything else, including my own baby.
This is an excerpt from my first blog that I had posted April 30, 2015. It really wasn’t that long ago, but it feels like an eternity has gone by since that time. I’ve condensed it for this blog’s purposes.
Believing For a Baby
My husband and I have been trying for a baby for several years now. It has been one of the most isolating and painful experiences of my life. I tend to be introverted so I don’t like to share with my friends and family about our struggle with infertility, especially when I know they try to sympathize, but they don’t understand because they haven’t had this struggle before. I’m so happy for them when I see them with their children or pregnant with their own baby, but inside I’m jealous and coveting what I don’t have. I realized that even though I may not know anyone personally who is struggling with infertility, there may be someone online who can relate to what I’m going through.
After two years of trying, I found out I was pregnant. It was the happiest six weeks of my life imagining all the things that newly pregnant women dream of. Then a few weeks later I started bleeding and went to the E.R. The doctor did an ultrasound and told us that he would neither agree or deny if I was still pregnant because it was so early. So for weeks I was on Google trying to find out if there was still a chance that I was pregnant. I was miserable. Eventually I had to accept that my baby had gone away. Since that time it has been a roller coaster of highs and lows every month starting with hoping that I might be pregnant to being let down at the end of the month when I start my period again.
I had made an appointment with a fertility clinic last year, but later on cancelled because I was still hoping that I could get pregnant for free instead of paying extra costs for a fertility specialist. I bought a book about trying to conceive and tried to do everything in the book including staying away from caffeine, counting my days, drinking enough water, and exercising at least three times a week. I finally gave in this year after not seeing any results. We went to see a fertility specialist yesterday. There was another couple there and I couldn’t even look them in the eyes because I felt like I would see our pain reflected back at me through their eyes. I realized that I’m probably not as alone as I have imagined myself to be.
Who knew it would take six years before we would be able to have our beautiful little baby girl. I held onto that bible verse every week and every day if needed. During those times when I struggled with doubt during infertility, I remembered the amazing change he had done in my husband’s heart, breaking him free from pornography. While we struggled with pornography in our marriage, I remembered how God had helped me raise above my social anxiety and anxiety attacks. While I struggled with anxiety attacks, I remembered how he had been there for me while I dealt with being bullied at school. He has always been there for me and has helped me overcome so many obstacles. I may have doubts again, but they won’t last long.
I would love to know what Bible verse you hold onto or have found to give you comfort during difficult times. God bless.