I created my blog last year to be an inspiration for others who may be dealing with the hardship of infertility or pornography with someone they love. I use the word “hardship” because either one of these circumstances is difficult to endure and relates to suffering. My last post focused on how to keep believing through infertility and received a lot of wonderful comments, so thank you to those of you who read and responded.
I would like to write a post now for those who are either dealing with the addiction of pornography themselves, know someone who is, or would like to hear more on the subject because you may know someone one day dealing with it. It’s not talked about very much and I think it should be discussed more openly.
About fifteen years ago, I remember researching on the web trying to find some hope that my husband could be set free from pornography addiction, but I couldn’t find one article or posting that gave me any hope. It wasn’t talked about and in my local area, none of the churches offered counseling for it. We couldn’t afford to pay for counseling out in town. My husband and I struggled alone. I’m glad to see that more churches are started to speak about it and confront it, as well as the men and women who speak out on WordPress and on the Internet.
Only a fool would believe that there isn’t a devil roaming around the Earth if they have ever looked at current or past events from around the world. I mention this before I go on because I believe the devil likes to try to convince people pornography is harmless. Unfortunately, far too many people in our world believe this and far too few are speaking out against it.
Someone might ask, “Why is pornography harmful if they aren’t paying for it and they are not in a relationship?” I have to say this is where our human drive tries to rationalize something that we know is deeply wrong. This person will pay dearly for their rationalization when they do meet someone who they would like to have a relationship with because they won’t be able to stop, even though they think they will once they meet the right one, and they will have misguided thoughts as to how to show that special someone love in the bedroom.
They will be focused more on what they get instead of give and will honestly not be satisfied because they will always be looking for that high that they felt the first time they viewed pornography. Pornography will have stolen their chance at true romance and love/intimacy. Not to mention, it may start out as free searches, but in time it won’t be enough to satisfy, so many times it will expand to meeting people in person and/or paying for it online.
My husband’s pornography addiction had started when he was a teenage boy at the age of thirteen. He had the same mindset as the person I mentioned above. He wasn’t paying for it and being in a romantic relationship was not in his scope yet, but when he did meet the person of his dreams, he wasn’t able to stop and he had unrealistic expectations that damaged our intimacy and marriage.
After ten years of dealing with pornography in our marriage, I told my husband I wanted a divorce because he told me that he had given up trying to change. I knew I could not make him change and if he wasn’t willing to try anymore, I was throwing in the towel. During our separation for nine months, a church nearby started a program called Celebrate Recovery which included a group for men or women struggling with pornography. My husband started attending, unbeknown to me. During our separation, he fought for our marriage and he finally stopped trying to change himself and let God into his life to help break his addiction.
During our years of marriage, I prayed and prayed and I believe it made a difference at that turning point of our marriage. If you know someone who is addicted to pornography, pray for them, it may not seem like much, but you’re inviting God to work in your life and the person you love and He will respond to that. God loves that person too and wants to set them free as well.
If you are addicted to pornography, don’t give up. By allowing God to come into your life to help you get to the root of the issue, you will be able to break free. I say root, because it really was like a terrible invasive weed that just kept coming back until my husband got to the root of it. It was during one of the meetings that my husband finally asked for and allowed God to show him what was at the root of it. It was very painful for him, but he finally found it and why he started watching pornography so much in the first place. It’s too personal to share, but I believe there’s a root that takes place when people begin to view those images or videos.
I’m sharing my experience of almost two decades now and taken from thousands of discussions with my husband to understand his point of view. There were some setbacks, but it was progress toward complete recovery. The longer the images could stay out of his mind, the more it allowed him to heal. Contrary to what mainstream public might believe, he is the first to tell anyone that pornography is damaging. He not only saw how it affected his life, but also how it affected the lives of the other individuals that were in his group for varying reasons. The affects from pornography are damaging. There is science behind how it acts like a drug on the human brain, but I won’t get into that today. Here is a website if you would like to find out more.
My husband lived in shame and tried to hide from God for a long time. Thankfully he now knows that God doesn’t expect perfection or only want him to come in his presence when he’s perfect. He knows God already loves and accepts him and wants what is best for him, which wasn’t able to happen while my husband allowed pornography to be in his life. He and I can both can happily say that he has been free from his addiction completely for a few years now. I’ve seen him become a changed man and how his confidence has sky rocketed.
We’ve finally been able to build up our relationship on a solid foundation with all the elements that a healthy marriage needs. Though it is a work in progress, we are making progress instead of slipping back. We have a daughter now too which I think has changed his perspective a lot. I am so proud of him because I’ve seen how much pornography took a toll on him and it took a lot of courage and for him to be humble enough to get where he is today. I hope this post has been helpful. Whether you know someone right now who is dealing with it or in case you might know someone down the road. I look forward to reading your comments.